Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and directly. It involves standing up for oneself and one’s rights while also respecting the rights of others. Developing assertiveness can be beneficial in various situations, from personal relationships to professional interactions. This topic will cover the basics of assertiveness and provide practical strategies for becoming more assertive in your daily life.
Know what assertiveness is
Assertiveness and aggression are two distinct ways of expressing oneself, and they differ in several ways.
Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and directly while also respecting the rights and needs of others. It involves standing up for oneself and one’s beliefs, setting and enforcing boundaries, and effectively communicating one’s wants and needs. Assertive behaviour can help individuals to build better relationships, achieve goals, and feel more in control of their lives.
On the other hand, aggression is the act of imposing one’s will on others, often forcefully or violently. Aggressive behaviour can be physical, verbal, or nonverbal, and it can be used to intimidate, dominate, or control others. It often involves using threats, bullying, or violence to get what one wants. Aggression can damage relationships, create conflicts, and lead to negative consequences.
Examples of ‘assertive’, ‘passive’ and ‘aggressive’ behaviour
| Assertive | Passive | Aggressive |
|---|---|---|
| Expressing one’s thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and directly | Not expressing one’s thoughts, feelings, and needs | Expressing one’s thoughts, feelings and needs at the expense of others |
| Respecting the rights and needs of others | Not standing up for oneself or one’s rights | Not respecting the rights and needs of others |
| Using “I” statements | Using “you” statements | Using “you” statements in a blaming or accusing manner |
| Being open to compromise | Not standing up for oneself | Being unwilling to compromise |
| Being respectful and considerate of others | Being a pushover | Being disrespectful or dismissive of others |
For example:
- Assertive: “I feel upset when you’re late for our meetings. Can we discuss ways to ensure that you arrive on time in the future?”
- Passive: “I don’t mind if you’re late”
- Aggressive: “You’re always late! You don’t respect my time.”
Sophie is a marketing manager at a large corporation. She oversees several projects and leads a team of marketing professionals. Recently, Sophie has been feeling stressed and overwhelmed due to a tight deadline for one of her projects. She has been working long hours and finding it difficult to keep up with her responsibilities.
Sophie decides to address the situation assertively. She schedules a meeting with her boss, John, and prepares a clear and direct statement of her thoughts, feelings, and needs. In the meeting, she says: “I am feeling overwhelmed by the tight deadline for the XYZ project. I am working long hours and finding it difficult to keep up with all my responsibilities. I need more support and resources to ensure the project is completed on time and to a high standard.”
John listens attentively and understands Sophie’s concerns. He agrees to provide her with more support and resources, including additional staff and extended deadlines. He also agrees to have regular check-ins with Sophie to ensure everything is going well.
Sophie’s assertive behaviour has several benefits:
- She can express her thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and directly, which helps John understand her situation.
- She can stand up for herself and her team, which helps her achieve her goals and complete the project on time.
- She can build a better relationship with her boss, as he respects her assertiveness and is willing to support her.
As a result of her assertiveness, Sophie can manage her workload and achieve her goals more efficiently and effectively.
Tom is a junior software developer at a technology company. He is new to the job and is still learning the ropes. He has noticed that his team leader, Sarah, has consistently taken credit for his work and ideas in meetings with the management. He is uncomfortable confronting her, as he fears losing his job or damaging their relationship.
Tom decides to adopt a passive attitude towards the situation. He doesn’t speak up when Sarah takes credit for his work and doesn’t express his thoughts and feelings to her. He also avoids management meetings, as he doesn’t want to draw attention to himself.
As a result of his passiveness, several negative consequences occur:
- The management does not recognise Tom’s contributions and ideas, which affects his career growth and opportunities.
- His relationship with Sarah is strained, as she doesn’t understand his lack of engagement and participation in team meetings.
- Tom cannot build a good working relationship with the management, as they are unaware of his capabilities and contributions.
- His motivation and morale are low, as he feels unappreciated and undervalued.
- His work-life balance is affected, as he works long hours to compensate for the lack of recognition and support.
Passiveness in the workplace can lead to negative consequences for the individual and the team, as it prevents individuals from expressing themselves and achieving their goals.
Mike is the CEO of a small startup company. He is known for his aggressive management style and often uses intimidation and threats to get what he wants. He frequently raises his voice, interrupts others, and uses blame and criticism to motivate his employees.
One of his employees, Karen, is a talented and hardworking marketing manager. She has been working on a new campaign that she believes will be successful. However, Mike is not satisfied with her progress and demands that she change certain campaign elements. He becomes increasingly aggressive and hostile towards her and uses verbal abuse and intimidation to force her to make the changes.
As a result of his aggressiveness, several negative consequences occur:
- Karen’s performance and motivation are affected, as she feels demotivated and stressed by Mike’s behaviour.
- Her relationship with Mike is strained, as she doesn’t trust and is afraid of him.
- The campaign is not as successful as it could have been, as Mike’s aggressive behaviour stifles Karen’s creativity and vision.
- The morale and productivity of the team are affected, as they are afraid of Mike and don’t feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and ideas.
- The company’s reputation is damaged, as Mike’s aggressive behaviour creates a toxic work environment.
Workplace aggression can negatively affect the individual and the team, creating a hostile and stressful environment that stifles creativity, innovation, and productivity.
How to be assertive
Being assertive has several benefits, both in personal and professional settings. Some of the benefits of assertiveness include the following:
- Improved communication: Assertiveness involves expressing oneself clearly and directly, which can help to improve communication with others. This can lead to better understanding, more effective problem-solving, and positive relationships.
- Increased self-esteem and confidence: When we are assertive, we stand up for ourselves and our rights, which can help us to feel more in control of our lives and more confident in our abilities.
- Better relationships: Assertiveness can help us to build better relationships, both personal and professional. When we are assertive, we are able to express our needs and boundaries, which can lead to more mutual respect and understanding.
- Increased effectiveness in achieving goals: Assertiveness can help us to achieve our goals more effectively, as it enables us to communicate our needs and intentions clearly and to stand up for ourselves when necessary.
- Better problem-solving: Assertiveness can help to improve problem-solving, as it allows individuals to express their thoughts and feelings clearly and to listen actively to others. This can lead to more creative solutions and better decision-making.
- More work-life balance: Being assertive can help individuals set boundaries and manage their time more effectively. This can lead to a better work-life balance and improved physical and mental health.
Assertiveness is a valuable skill that can help individuals to be more effective in their personal and professional lives. It allows individuals to express themselves effectively, build better relationships, and achieve their goals more healthily.
| Situation | Desired Outcome | Assertive Response |
|---|---|---|
| Negotiating a raise with a boss | Obtaining a raise | Clearly stating the reasons why a raise is deserved and providing supporting evidence |
| Dealing with a colleague who frequently interrupts meetings | Being able to speak and participate in meetings | Politely and directly requesting that the colleague refrains from interrupting. |
| Requesting a change in a project’s deadline or scope | Achieving a more realistic and manageable deadline or scope | Clearly stating the reasons why the change is necessary and proposing a solution |
| Resolving a conflict with a friend or family member | Improving the relationship and finding a mutually acceptable solution | Expressing one’s thoughts, feelings and needs clearly and listening actively to the other person |
| Declining a request for a favour that would cause undue stress | Maintaining a healthy work-life balance | Saying “no” clearly and respectfully, explaining why the request cannot be accommodated |
Situation: A team member, Alex, consistently fails to meet deadlines and is causing delays in the team’s projects.
Assertive Response:
- Schedule a meeting with Alex to discuss the issue.
- Clearly and directly state the problem, using “I” statements such as “I have noticed that you have been consistently failing to meet deadlines, which is causing delays in our projects.”
- Express the impact of Alex’s behaviour on the team and the company, using “I” statements such as “I feel frustrated and stressed when this happens, as it affects our productivity and our ability to meet our goals.”
- State your needs and expectations clearly, using “I” statements such as “I need you to meet deadlines and to communicate clearly with the team when there are delays.”
- Ask Alex for his perspective on the issue and listen actively to what he says.
- Work together to find a solution, and establish a plan of action and follow-up.
Situation: A friend, Sarah, frequently cancels plans at the last minute and doesn’t try to reschedule.
Assertive Response:
- Schedule a private conversation with Sarah to express your feelings.
- Use “I” statements to express how her behaviour affects you, such as “I feel disappointed and disrespected when you cancel plans at the last minute and don’t make an effort to reschedule.”
- State your needs and boundaries clearly, such as “I need reliability and respect in my friendships, and I would like you to make an effort to keep your plans or reschedule when necessary.”
- Ask Sarah for her perspective on the issue and listen actively to what she has to say.
- Work together to find a solution, and establish a plan of action and follow-up.
It’s worth noting that assertiveness should be respectful and consider the other person’s perspective and feelings, always mindful of the context and the relationship. It’s a skill that requires practice and patience, it’s not always easy, but it can be learned and improved.
The importance of self-control
Self-control is crucial when assertive because it allows us to express ourselves clearly, directly, and respectfully rather than lashing out in anger or frustration. When we lose control, we may say or do things that we later regret, damaging our relationships and ability to achieve our goals.
Self-control helps us remain calm and composed, even when feeling strongly about something. It allows us to think, choose words carefully, and avoid engaging in harmful or destructive behaviours. Self-control also helps us to keep our emotions in check and to avoid overreacting or becoming defensive.
When we lose control, we may become aggressive or passive, which can have negative consequences. Aggression can lead to conflicts, damaged relationships, and even physical harm. Passiveness can lead to feelings of frustration and helplessness and can prevent us from achieving our goals.
In addition, losing control can also lead to negative consequences in the workplace, such as:
- Loss of respect and trust from colleagues and superiors
- Loss of credibility and reputation
- Damaged relationships with coworkers and clients
- Difficulty in achieving goals and completing projects
- Legal actions and disciplinary actions
Being assertive requires self-control, it’s about being able to express oneself in a clear, direct, and respectful manner, and it requires being aware of one’s own emotions and being able to manage them effectively. It’s important to reflect and practice self-control to achieve the desired outcome and maintain positive relationships.